Newlytravels

  Around this time of year we are all thinking about gifts and what to get everyone. Well I'm thinking about a gift I was given 49 years ago that gift was my given name David. Given names are not totally stone but a gift and not obligations. Especially when you are an adult. My family sees my given name as the most wonderful and greatest gift. I see it in another way.  It is your choice what you want to be called and what makes you feel comfortable. I feel so much more comfortable as Quinn than I did as David. When I hear the name Quinn it's like a gift everytime I hear it. It's the gift I gave to myself that makes me feel like sunshine. Quinn eventhough it has been a very short amount of time has dome one thing. It has taken alot of stress away from the pandemic. If by some miracle I get even one family member to call me Quinn it will be a great gift.

  This is a very special Christmas for me and the son of one of my epilepsy friends in the states. The son and I will be spending this Christmas in what we both have said to family "our true selves". My friend's son started his life as Ava and last year went through transition into who he feels he really is. That is Nathan from everything I've hears he feels so much more free. I have that exact feeling with Quinn.   With my coming out bisexual and most recently non binary I have discovered a Christmas gift to myself. My Christmas gift is becoming who I feel so comfortable with and very relaxed with. My Christmas gift is now being referred to as Quinn.   I have felt the world off my shoulders since I have been going by Quinn. Yes still having a few seizures but some of that has to do with the time of year, Christmas is always a big trigger for me.  Another great gift is almost  everyone at all my poker games are now using Quinn. Not David or just Bezer....

  Tonight a friend I hadn't seen in years came into the bar while I was playing poker. I used to be in the kinsmen club with him when I was younger in my early 20's. I heard David didn't recognize voice plus I normally wouldn't respond to David as except family and legal I am known as Quinn to all. My friend came over and said hey its Jim David I thought that was you. I went to explain my new name when my friend jumped in.  My friend asked when was last time you saw he looked at me I said it ok. So Orrest said David. Jim said 6 years ago or so. Orrest said oh you better chat with him.  So I told Jim the whole story of me coming our and also coming out non binary. Jim said oh ok I understand so you now go by Quinn I love that name. It was great seeing an d friend and having him understand right away. I said thanks for understanding ad many don't. He looked at me and said you remember Mike my son? I said yes last year he came out as bisexual non binary so I totally un...

  🏳️‍🌈 This entry is actually going to sound very familiar and be very close to another entry. I'm actually going to start off with discussing about the Transgender side so to speak. I thought I would start with this as many people have thought I had thoughts or if I thought I might be Trans and not just Gay or Bi. It was never actually something I had thought about until I remembered how in was horribly teased about  what a little girl I was or "am".   It was and always has both been a soar spot. But one that has had me really look into myself internally. As I mentioned in my other entry I wouldn't become a woman buy sometimes internally I do feel free that way. So that was the part of me that associated with Transgender.  Now my Bisexual side that one is a more obvious one and people had always seen it. They had actually even seen it before I did. I was more blindsided than everyone else was. Even when people would ask me if I was gay or mostly say bisexual ...

 🏳️‍🌈 So this title is very interesting in a few different ways for sure. First off as people who have been following all three my journeys my life battles and struggles with both epilepsy and CHD. Then my recent journey that I must say wasn't as recent as I would actually say. It was just a hidden journey until recently.                                           For everybody who knows me they until very recently have known me as David or Bezer as it was a poker nickname becsuse of 4 David's at one point. I had/have what you would refer to as the most unique last name and that is how that started. Wasn't a disrespect thing and I never saw it as one more of a nickname to separate.   Now that I have been slowly moving forward in my journey after fully coming out, and discovering or rather shall we say admitting things I was both forced to bury over the year's. Th...

  Today I went for normal Monday workout, they are getting better by the way. Plus more and more people are showing up looking like the gym again. So that is an excellent thing for sure.   I met two people who identify as both he/,him they/them and are a couple. One of them asked me if I was gay or bisexual. I told them actually I identify as bisexual and non binary. One asked me during the workout how I first started to "identify " as non binary. So we had a discussion.  I told them I was pretty sure I had known something for many many years but didn't know what to call it exactly. They were were wondering what I meant so I explained as best as I could while working out with them. One said that was exactly their feeling until they started dating heavy. I asked what they meant about heavy? The description was like real real serious GFS and many I always dreamed, like not at night but would look at GFs and think I would feel comfortable I wonder how I would look. I sa...

 🏳️‍🌈I wrestled with this for a while. I was deciding on what blog to put it in, After tossing back and forth I decided that it belonged here. Well actually it could have gone into either but I felt more of it hit home about my "new true" identity and coming out. Rather than just the seizure free run.  So I decided to drop in here becsuse of answering and hearing either They/Them or the name that I am now known as, except my family of course, Quinn.   Becsuse Quinn and not having to say I am a male or female to people it has cut down on my seizures. Even my smaller ones that hit I seem to recover from faster.  Being Quinn has really changed the way I am living the limited life I can, I say limited because of covid not because I have nothing to do. One place it really feels amazing is at poker I love hearing it everytime I get assigned my seat. Then everytime I see it on messenger it's the best.  So I know seizures will still come of course but lately they...

🏳️‍🌈  Something I didn't realize or probably realized but didn't see it as clearly as I do today was my entire self. Part of this is because of Chrys and part of it because a very good friend of mine Jennifer. It was a very interesting thing that came around.  I like my friend Chrys used a fem voice I used it more often and even did it when I was dating. I would use a very fem voice at time's and at first I thought it was just me being funny and playing around. Seeing what different things were like.  The more I did it the more I felt a "strange new comfort". I felt I could have an internal and external fem side, plus my masculine side. It was great seeing Chrys and a former friend be able to do this. Was also nice too see my friends accept this side of me. Very relaxing for sure.🏳️‍🌈💛🤍💜🖤

 🏳️‍🌈 This entry actually ties into a couple of entries I have done in the past. I felt that it deserved or "needed" a bit more exploring on my part. As I have stated in the past and all my family and friend's know I wrestled with so much while coming out. It really has been a truly long journey one I am still on and I know will never end. That is actually something that makes me extremely happy. New experience's daily is something to look forward to.   Having a triangle of experience's so too speak is making my "Newer" found identity  Living as Bisexual Non Binary and Genderfluid has really helped me in two separate ways.  I have never more of a free person never felt more like my true self.   The second way is all the people I have met online, and walked me through everything. Well not walked me through everything but explained different parts I didn't fully understand. Then after all of this it was interesting to see how much it was me being tuc...

 🏳️‍🌈  So exactly what do I mean by this title? It's quite simple actually now after last night all of my poker friend's have seen and begun to use Quinn instead of David or my last name. Eventhough I kept my last name the same, so it didn't become a dead name for me.   I have rarely been using my selected pronouns only a couple of people have used them actually. So during more and more conversations I am going to try and have people mix my name with my pronouns. It's something I want to slide into so to speak.  I would imagine this will happen most when I am poker and when I can start going downtown again. Ad these are the biggest hang out numbers for me, except if camp is in person. Then of course would ask there as well. So over the next little while we will see how things go. 🏳️‍🌈🖤💜🤍

  🏳️‍🌈So exactly what do I mean by this title? Ok so forever because of my unique or less common last name 7/10 people have used that when talking with me. Since I switched over to my new name I hsve asked people not to simply call me Bezer. I have asked either Quinn as I have explained only my family uses David. Something I have to put up with for now anyway.   Eileen is referred to as Eileen Bo everyone says Bo and so on. I'm the only person who has there last name. It was fine when I was ",David" I would now appreciate Quinn or if case calls for it They/Them. But please stop with Bezer as yes I did keep as last name. However it was out of respect to mom and dad.   So I'm going to start correcting with two names now. First when people call me David I will tell them that's not my name. Secondly I will say yes Bezer is my last name and you have used. I would now appreciate Quinn my name or a pronoun thank you.🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤💜💛

 🏳️‍🌈  Yes I know names don't usually go through a break up so I will explain this one. A couple of months ago I started going by the name of Quinn part due to star trek character and part due to DC with a touch of dedication. I had been looking over what I wanted as a middle name as all of my life I've had a middle name. Now this isn't pressure family wise as they aren't huge on the name change to begin with. Actually it's more I've had the middle name my entire life and yes I know I'll still be "me" without it, but I think.thats the one thing I'd been missing too feel totally complete.   I had been toying with a few different ideas. The first I had thought of was Quinn Teagan-Lyric. The reason for this is Teagan has the meaning of poet. Also lyric a type of poetry. So that was the inspiration there.   The next I had been toying with was Quinn Lyric-Teagan. This for the same reason as I mentioned above. I would just have the names in reverse...

 🏳️‍🌈 They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. In so many cases there is nothing more true than this statement. Well a picture can also be worth a thousand emotions especially for the person who is taking the picture. I definitely know this because I have been feeling lots of them lately.   When I first came out and started to take pictures of myself and then if I was with somebody hanging it was a great relief . Then sometime it was a huge happiness that traveled through me. I especially feel the happy with the flags and borders I put up. They put me in a special place.   Now when I recently came out to people as Quinn not only was I happy it was a major blissful relaxed feeling. It was the same feeling as when I first came out X10 a cloud nine feeling for sure. I am feeling like the person I was always meant to be and my heart is so glad that the majority of people I know are so accepting. The first night I realized how many truly accepted it I cri...

  I have many people I have to mention and thank in this entry. They are not being mentioned in any particular order, but will be mentioning a fair number. I know there will some I don't get to for those I'm sorry.   The first person I'd like to start off with is Aubyn, I'm starting with her because she had been like a sister to me also she was the first person to fully approach me and talk to me. We of course as I've said had many good talks she mentioned how she saw a "dainty" side feminine quality. She told me that was ok, at the time I didn't really see it or think it was ok but I just kept living day to day. Was so glad to see I had a friend who would support me.  The next people I would like to mention are one of my friend's in the states Kerry and her trans gender son Nathan. Her son has really been talking to Kerry about his transition and what things have been like. All the different challenges. Kerry knew about everything I had been going...

 🌈 Last night and even over the last few days I was asked something about myself that people have been asking since I first started coming out. Now that I am fully out I thought I would write a bit more about it. What I mean is I have touched on it in a few other entries but this one will be fully dedicated to it. Okay here we go.  So last night when I got home from poker a friend messaged me with a quick question, or what I thought was going to be a quick question. They asked me when I first started to have feelings about and she only used this term for lack of better term. She asked me exactly when I knew as she early on had thought she had seen signs in her son but wasn't really sure.   I told her I would break it down into different areas for her to try and help. I said I first felt or believe I felt different than all of my other guy friends around 9 years old. And of course like all of my friends she understood with the disabilities I have and had at time it w...

 🏳️‍🌈 As many of you know who have been reading my blogs, especially my coming out blogs. I am no longer going by my given/birth name. My name I am going by us now Quinn and I actually love both using it and hearing it, it makes me so happy to be reborn in a way. I thought it was interesting for lack of a better word when I discovered my bisexual/Non binary side.   Well I must say I'm much more blissful relaxed and enjoying my new life with the last few weeks coming out to people as Bisexual/Non binary/ Genderfluid. I feel in many ways I can be much more expressive and not have to worry about how I express myself. Well except to my family unfountunatley that will always be a tricky spot. But I did expect resistance I guess because of my moms bringing up and in situations like this my dad kind of goes along with everything.  I know this isn't what most Non Binary people would do I identify a bit different. With my pronouns. Well for the time at least shall we say. W...

  I've sort of suspected for a while but after rereading a few of my entries and different things I have come yo solid decision. The solid decision I have come to is I have a family that is "hidden homophobic". So how do I mean hidden homophic well that's actually very easy to explain as much as I wish it wasn't.  When I came out I was loved and embraced by my immediate family, mother father sister and brother in law. It was such a great feeling being accepted when I was afraid I wouldn't be. Well I only thought I was being fully accepted ya right not exactly. In my view fully accepted meant treating me totally like there son or brother. I felt like I was truly in a safe space and relaxed for a good long while.  Then different things started happening where it made my family look more homophobic than non homophobic. That was odd because they accepted a family member and a long friend of family. They had no issue with them . But somehow all the issues came out ...

  Today I was the most relaxed since I officially came out. Now when I say officially came out because I told different people at different times to start. I considered myself officially out when I told my family and they all knew. Although as I've said I think they had an idea before but when I came out it was like a stun gun. I guess can't blame them all that much.  So today I took my first set of fem shots for my non binary album. I actually felt very empowered is the best word I can think of. I was letting my other side out. Something I've only done a couple of times and usually in a Halloween costume. I had to say I was very relaxed taking the pictures.  I will admit I was a bit hesitant to take the pics, after the first one I was relaxed taking the other two. So tonight I'm going to try with three or four more. A different scarf and shirt. See how relaxed second fem set of pics comes out. 

  I'm tying this entry back in with my ages entries and how it all sort of knots itself up. As I have mentioned my mother and my sister, like my whole mother's side of family are very religious. So I was so nervous through school years and until I saw how mom was with other gay bi people to come out. For a while I actually was afraid of going to hell for being gay. Plus I felt trapped at home because I knew I wasn't gay but was most I could admit even until now.   I knew I was more I knew how comfortable I was in makeup and even little items of feminine clothing. Such as hats scarves that were unisex. Iiked getting pics taken both in my masculine and my feminine. This happened a few times and it helped my spirit be much more free. Even when I just acted feminine without realizing I think it made me relaxed then I would simply flip back to masculine .   It was like a relief and almost like I broke or almost broke the Stockholm syndrome. The more people close to m...

  🏳️‍🌈I want to throw out a huge thank you to a group of people Aubyn Riley, Jennifer Cannon and Eileen Murray. You all have taken a great approach through all my coming out. Now especially when I have come out as non binary also when I have had a shirt puzzlingly go missing s couple of times. That definitely was a very interesting and strange thing.   So it appeared that Greg my brother in law wasn't a fan of me becoming Quinn and becoming non binary. Like many people he sees me as flip flopping for no actual reason. Of course I know he didn't like the name because it is on Facebook. There is an option where you can change name after 60 days. I was chatting with Eileen last night and she reminded me how much fighting I've done how far I've come. So have Jenn and Aubyn I've felt so good with there support.  So thank you Eileen for the swift kick. On Facebook from this day forward Quinn it is even if my family won't acknowledge the name all or close to all will...

  I wasn't sure where to put this entry, originally I was going to post in my epilepsy blog. Actually normally I would post an entry like this there especially after getting inspiration from one of the epilepsy advocates, Tiffany Kairos. The reason I would normally have put in epilepsy because of Tiffany herself and the words that inspired the entry.  So here are the words that inspired this entry. Brave, Courageous, Ressillent. The reason I decided to put in this entry in the end was from what people had been telling me since I came out. I will actually start with ressillent. So many people have compared my "not coming out" for so long with my epilepsy. They all told me how much strength I had when I was holding in my secret the same way I am able to talk about my seizures so much.  Courages I have always thought everyone else who came out that I know was full of courage. Especially when they were able to tell family friends. For the longest time I obviously didn't f...

   Now don't get me wrong I have never truly minded getting my photo taken. As a matter of fact many people have told me how photogenic I am and how good I really come out. I have always loved group or at least couple shots when getting a photo done, I find it adds more color to the picture more bang and life to the picture that is being taken. Why do I like my picture being taken? The biggest reason is it shows your inside and life your aura, the thing I like to read.   I have really enjoyed doing all of my selfie shots as Quinn. I have brought out Quinn the person I was meant to be. I really have felt so free it is a light feeling ever since I became Quinn. However lots of people have said to my (David) you didn't become Quinn, Quinn has been buried in you for all these years and they are coming out now in freedom. It is up to everyone else to accept you as Quinn don't bend because you feel you need to.  I had become close to bending and scrapping Quinn and even my...

  In this entry I'll be doing a double list in a way. The first part is the people who have no issues and are willing to use my new name. Then the people who absolutely refuse to use my new name and will only call me by as I've seen written my "deadname".   So I'm actually going to start out on the toxic side of things. The people who absolutely refuse to use the name I am going by now. I think I will start with my brother in law as he was the one who shocked me the most because he always been in my corner with my coming out. Not like everyone else in the family.   Now I know my sister never will accept a different name. So how do I know this seeing I haven't had contact yet since "Quinn" was born. Oh that is very easy. If she takes my mother's side to make my mother happy over a bracelet then she definitely would take mother's side on a name issue.   My dad a miracle would have to happen for him to be ok with name change. He sees people like...

  Tonight was a shocker well in a way anyway. I sort of expected what happened to happen. I just wasn't expecting it so soon or from where it came from. Tonight I officially changed my name on Facebook and this didn't go over well with my brother in law. In the past he has been the cool one with all my coming out stuff and all Tonight it was a total 180. He typed to me do I have to call you Quinn not wanting to start an argument online I said no, bad idea.   I realized after I should have stood up for all my principals. Not that it was going to matter. As he quickly responded good because I wasn't going to call you Quinn. No I will see no asking where it came from just a cold dead no. The bad thing is I know eventually there will be backlash from rest of adult family. If you have seen my pictures as Quinn Jaxon on my Facebook page you can see my free spirit and energy coming. I don't need that killed fingers crossed nothing else happens. 

 Earlier today I had been thinking about taking my David Bezer name down ftom Facebook. After I did that I was going to replace with Quinn Bezer my new name I am using with all my friends. As I mentioned I had been thinking for a while.   A few things made me decide make my name Quinn on Facebook. One thing was one some of my best friend's loves the name and I really like that. Another thing that helped me was what one heart camp friend's said. Told me her son really liked the name. As a matter of fact I had many people say it was an amazing name and suits me.   The hard decision was knowing eventually as I mentioned before I probably will hear about it. Also I had lived as David for so many years. However now I feel more free than I can ever remember, yes David is a wonderful name I admit. However for as long as I can remember I hadn't fully felt like a boy, also hadn't felt like a girl. So I played around with the name Quinn and I feel like a huge group of peo...

  Right with being out as non binary the people who know are my Facebook friends and my friends I would be seeing in person if I could. As of this moment my family and friends of the family haven't seen or heard my new name. I'm still simply David, it isn't sitting fully well with me as I have been through lots with my coming out and associating with the LGBTQ community more than most friends know and definitely more than any family truly knows. I am really enjoying seeing things typed to me like They/Them and my new name what I feel is my true name Quinn.  So I am thinking about taking David Bezer down from Facebook page and becoming Quinn Jaxon. I know this may no not may will cause backlash but I feel Quinn really is me and if you see my Quinn album.youll see how I feel. Only way I wouldn't become Quinn through bank Dr other official but thinking making 1000% official on Facebook, for lack better term being born and fully coming our as Quinn.

 🏳️‍🌈 This is a scrap blog/redo and it will become clear as I go along. A long while ago I wrote about nailing down my age of "knowing when I was gay bisexual". I thought it had been in my 20s from everything that I remembered, after a conversation with somebody I hadn't heard from in quite a while it was much before that. It was actually during my time I'm high-school. It actually did make sense to me as we were talking.  I remember really having crushes on lots of the girls in high school and even wanting to date them. Not only did I want to date but I became very good friends with lots of them and all the guys took note. I was never teased as a matter of fact I was always still welcome with everything they did.   One thing my friend and I talked about and that was why so many saw me as either gay or bi in high school was at gym time sometimes outside I'd get flushed. They could  see my feelings and as my friend had said how I was hiding but I didn't know ...

  This entry actually comes from a conversation thread that many people applied to and started taking about. Somebody had started the thread by asking what age did you know you were NB. the ages were a range from 13 to 56. I thought I was extremely late coming out non binary at 48 but then I think I knew well before I was actually non binary.  I had a really good idea around my 25th year, this was after I had been thinking about my sexuality through high school and after my first go around of college. That was when I went to George brown. After George brown I was convinced that I had everything straightened out. Or at least for the most part.   I was sure for a while everything was "fine" according to my family. I needed to keep them and even myself in the dark. It had been a stressful time for sure.  I went through so many different things as I've written about with LGBTQ and it has been revealing for sure. Here is a small picture of it.   As everyone...

  I have to give credit to a new person met on line Dara for the title and the bulk going in. However it is something that I always had thought of. So the bulk is a combination. A refresh from Dara and things that were in back of mind even when I was in high school and especially my time at Durham College . The thoughts of for lack of better term how society as a norm sees everything.   We view everything in a medical way of course we were taught that way. Like with certain parts we are either male or female. Why is that a rule? Where is getting outside of the box? Just like a specific way of dressing and stiff you wear on yout face is what tries to determine male and female. We have never seen outside of the box although more and more the box is being opened more.   Some ways the box is being opened up more is you see "non trans" guys in makeup or nail polish. You see more acting in a more dainty way  and not being afraid of it the way people used to be....

 Pardon: This is the first word that has come to my mind each time I discuss a new part of ny journey. Why is this word used you may ask yourself. Because of one simple word phase. Phase was does that have to do with it well when I came out couple years ago gay everyone or almost everyone was giving me attitude or telling me it was all a phase you'll be back with girls in no time. Same thing when I came out as bi and was having feelings both ways.   Now that I'm out as non binary I have a load telling me this is just your easy way to be with anyone anytime. That to me was a very mind blowing statement I couldn't believe or others saying there is no such thing. Even more remarkable.   Hindsight: Coming out as non binary has really given me lot of Hindsight into the world. It shows who can't be bothered to look past anything they have in there life or believe. Or they have to be correct no matter what the case may be.  Attitude: Truly I have gotten a closer l...

  I was always bugged especially by my father i vacation when I wanted to do the malls. Either with my mom or with my aunt. My dad has never liked malls and he dosent think shopping is a "guys" thing. Everytime I would go into Toronto with any of my friend's it could turn into a bit of a longer shopping experience than predicted.  Not only would I get my t-shirts and my jeans I needed I would stand around and try to see what I would look like in different unisex shirts close to fem style. I've known somehow for a very long time I just didn't know as I've mentioned how to break it free  I also want to do a bit of shopping to see what even a bit of gloss and polish feels like. I'm not sure why but was always something that caught my interest like a wish. Kinda like the male Darlene from Roseanne. It will be interesting if I ever bring the new name up with my family and tell them David is no longer being used. That won't go over great especially seeing ho...

 🏳️‍🌈 When I look at masculine and feminine qualities for me there isn't much if any of a difference. I see the "male gender" acting like I am used too on a daily basis. Then there are times I see the feminine gender and that as time has gone on has become more and more interesting .  I have become more and more attracted to their lifestyle and the things that they wear. I know I do feel comfortable in some female clothing as I've mentioned before from parties and different costumes I've had on. I felt very relaxed and free. So I know that I have a huge split where I'm part when I talk to friends they all can pick my gender up.  Like the newness to them it is new for me  I know it will take time to get used to but I'm very happy as the transition has really relaxed me.🏳️‍🌈

  I have been out an acted like I was either gay or bisexual for many years now. This as I've mentioned I think was done subconsciously as I was not ready to fully admit who I was and am now especially. Why do you say who I am now especially well for all those years gender wise I didn't fully understand who I was like on the gender spectrum. So I will explain this.   I didn't mind being a "guy" buy I didn't always feel comfortable within my male body the way I felt. So often I felt like I would feel great as a woman. Just as good as I did as being a guy. Over the years I would purposely act with my friend Micheal when I was in school as he is out and was out in college.    I found out a reason one of my girlfriends cheated on me and wanted to end thing's. I found out recently I acted dainty around her. I found out I acted like a "lady" in a way in high-school until now. I just totally am seeing 100% now that I've always been very closely spli...

 My other Facebook account was hacked and it sent our messages and my account was played with. So messages were sent out pictures were taken up down and other things. So I looked into other names for this account. I thought for a while and I thought about an old family friend. His name was Huey Quinn and that is where the name came from.  I've always liked the name Quinn and seen it in few stories I also remember a song the mighty Quinn. So I noticed and realized hey sometimes getting hacked turns out to be a good thing. I'm 99.9% sure this will be last name to come out of this. Bless you Huey you were awesome. 

 This is an entry that is related to a couple of other entries in the past. You will understand when I go through it what I am referring to. Like my kaleidoscope entry and flow X3 entry this has to do with colors and my journey. So let's take a walk down the multicolored road.  I will start with the Non Binary colors that I have within me. There is yellow gender without reference to binary. White refers to many or all genders. Purple a gender between mix of female and male. Black a lack of gender    Now I will move into the Asexual colors within my spectrum. In the Asexual flag the colors are first off purple. The purple represents the cumminity. The Grey in the flag that represents Asexual and demisexual area. The white represents the allies   Then the is full Asexual pretty well have zero physical attraction or low sexual drive.   . 

  This title actually came from something I had seen on television. It was from the first episode of a series called pride and it struck a cord with me. Talking about the gay culture and how so much of course needed to be hidden. People really weren't freely coming out it was really seen as awful and horid. Things today are much better, yes we still have some discrimination but nothing like past few decades.   Somebody mentioned how by day when you were around friends the guys would be guys. Then when they were in private or in a gay area it was like they were in photobooth. It was private and they could be themselves. It was there true safe space.   I really understand that because I know I've always had a feminine side. Not just a feminine side in the way of emotions but my nature daily with certain people. However at the same time me admitting it was extremely gut wrenching. However it was necessary for sure.   When I'm with friends or on phone with...

  On my new Facebook I have a new banner up, I decided to combine three very specific flags in the banner. All of the flags are in support of LGBTQ community in different ways. It has been a very interesting journey and experience for sure, one I actually have been happy to take along each way.  So now onto the flags I have combined I will discuss. The first one I will talk about is the Non Binary flag. As people who have read my entries I initially came out as gay. Then did a few videos and talks with friends and determined or sorry thought I determined bisexual. Then I really like really started to study everything.   As I did all of this for the longest time I still thought bisexual. Then I came across Non binary Gender fluid and Transgender along with Gender Querr. So how did I determine the combination. Well here we go.    I started reading things online written up I called a few places and discussed my feelings I had been having. I had to admit eventu...

  Remember the Russian dolls I think they were Russian anyway. Started with one bigger person and inside was a smaller version of the doll, until eventually you got to the smallest version. That's what coming out has been like the Russian doll is the perfect metaphor. Here is why I say it is the perfect metaphor to use.  When I first began this journey I came out as 100% gay, 55% because I actually truly thought I was and 45% was because I didn't figure on my family well not parents anyway understanding me coming out as bi or anything else. Then I had a few conversations one in a bar after my poker game two were on phone with different people. They all figured and said basically the same thing, I probably wasn't "gay" but more likely bisexual. I thought that was end and it felt like it for a while.  Another doll appeared and this one actually had felt like a complete me at least for a short time. Demisexual Bisexual this was actually starting to feel like me, plus...

  Once again I'm doing a continuation style entry for my blog. Just before I go on I have to say I know it seems like I've done alot of them. However they have really helped anxiety my mind and are very cathartic at times for me. Of course I find all writing is.  So this a continuation by talking a bit more where I feel comfortable differently identity wise so to speak. Like I'm most comfortable as a guy around all my poker buddies on Tuesday nights for sure. Most of them on Thursday except a select few. Then I feel my fem side really emerge. Like when I would talk to my friends Sheila Eileen or Wendy. I sometimes feel like I need to bring my fem side out on phone.  Now that happens rarely it mostly happens with lyns and very rarely it might hit me with others. My fem side hits with lyns mostly because of the way she talks. It can be like talking to my dad at times. It used to be like this with somebody else but seems to be leveling eventhough at times I still feel more t...

 It's amazing how at times not all of time mind you I was so jealous of the girls I dated. I would be in the room watching them put a bit of lip gloss on or asking me what dress I liked better. When I was asked 70% of time somewhere in back of mind I thought I know what one I'd feel most comfortable in. Or I enjoyed looking at other clothes with my girlfriends and I enjoyed as much as they did. When I saw all the jewelery some were able to wear.  I at this time I figured out wasn't "fully transgender" Like at times I dream of what fully I would be like as a woman.  Like I'd say in the emotional way I'm split fairly close Like a 60/40 guy feminine ratio. I love all of everything comes out all of the time. I have always hidden my fem side but since coming out I've felt more comfy as a fem side.   I could go out have a beer with all the guys be guy cool. Or do a day or even two of shopping with friends, help females pick clothing out check out lingerie ma...

  This entry is going to tie in to the one I did last night. It will sort of untangle things a bit more, or give more more of a chance to articulate some things. Much of this sort of came to me while resting last night. Also after having a conversation that helped for sure.  As people know ftom a few of the entries my initial coming out was as gay, then came out as bisexual and started to read lots of stuff and realized there was something else and that was demisexual. That's many colors for sure. However I had another one I'm fully ready to admit. Something I never thought would come out or I'd even think about. But once again with all the research hard research I realized had part trans in me those are the final colors in my kaleidoscope.  So why do I say I am also I'm the area of Trans? Well so often I've liked to be the one treated in the dainty way. I always think to myself when I'm with my friends ah look how relaxed I am chilling with my girlfriends, like...

 I've always been a sensitive person or at least I have always considered myself to be sensitive. Sometimes my sensitive side is over the top. Well at least that's how many guys see it. I have been described as very limp or even dainty. Many friend's have 50/50 jokingly compared me to being the girl in my relationship's. I'm not going to deny it very often I've felt like I wanted that spot. I always liked it when the girl let me take her spot when together so to speak.  I've always felt I could also be the "guy" in the relationship the one who would lead and take charge. Make decisions or at least be the one who approaches decisions first. That also was a good feeling. Brought my confidence level back up at times.  I also very often on the inside and thought about my body heart and soul feel like it's time to turn into to old school weaker one in the relationship. I don't find it hard or as hard as you might think. As I saw one key thing th...

The first link in the chain I'm going to mention was the first person to give me encouragement. That person is my ex teacher Tom Gallagher I remember talking with him and saying how I couldn't come out because of my sister and my parents. He told me I needed to give them credit.  So I told them admitily at first Ike a long while they mentioned how they supported but often didn't. I think my niece and my moms friend really turned them around as things are so different.   The next two links I am going to mention are my camp friend Aubyn and her son Taegyn. Although I had never met her son I saw his bravery and that was something that really encouraged me. It even lifted some weight off my shoulders.   Another link is my friend Jennifer as she is a very supportive person. When I was upset there were times I could talk with her and she knew just what to say. Always a very understanding person and was thankful for that.   My friend Eileen she also encourage...

 With more and more time being spent inside alone, well not totally alone. I still have the communication with my friends either on the phone or through Facebook or Twitter. So I have come to see more and more the Bi/demisexual/biromantic combination in me. At first I thought it was because I was missing people and the world like seeing all my friend's and maybe probably not but maybe having a chance at a date.  I'm realizing I don't need just dates anymore as fun as they were in the past. And as fun as sex was of course I'm getting new emotions run through me when it comes to both guys and girls I think about.  I could just sit all night either holding hands cuddle position. Maybe kissing a bit. Or if if came down to it and the total connection was there could see more happening. But that would need to be explored. And because of the situation everyone is in that won't be for a while. I know not many understand this way of romance or life but as I called it before ...

 🏳️‍🌈 I recently have been having some very deep conversations with a few of the people I used to date and remained friends with. The conversations I must say were very very enlightening to me a large eye opener. Until the conversations it wasn't really something I had thought about. As most of you know when I came out I came out as gay and most people as I've mentioned weren't surprised some even asked why I hadn't come out sooner. I of course explained the timing and the hard decisions I thought buy I was wrong faced me.   Then as those of you who know about the top part I just wrote you know about the conversations I came out as bisexual and it seemed to be much more who I was. Then I started reading stuff from a good friend of mine and this was more of an eye opener for me.   It was falling into the Asexual umbrella I say umbrella because with the way I've bern in every relationship especially my last I couldn't be pure Ace. So I did a ton of reading over ...

 🏳️‍🌈 I kind of touched on this in my last entry so this entry going too give it the full detail. As I said in my last entry I always thought dating maybe even getting married was the normal everyday thing. That's because it was being engrained into my mind. Although it wasn't talked about a ton or daily I knew and everybody else knew that was kind of how my parents were. Or so it seemed becsuse of my sister as she followed the same way.  Plus going all through school especially the high-school years I felt we were taught about the white Pickett fence. Of course this is when I first started to wrestle with different feelings and because was a catholic high-school and in later 80s very early 90s coming out was happening. It probably as I remember was just getting fully accepted around that time.  So with all of that I at times would be nervous about chatting.  Now of course I have mentioned that I was attracted to both sexes and it was equal or very close to equal. ...

 🌈I fully understand why I came out as fully gay now. This came from of course help of friends very close friends who talked with me. The lack of family coming to me even after I came out as "gay".it was more of cool or a very blase reaction until for them it's a big deal. It was kind of shock I must admit ok didn't matter you were happy until everything embarrassed you. So why exactly did I come out as fully gay and not bisexual as I did ages ago. Also after 14 months of research thank you covid by the way combined with Asexual as I mentioned last night.   Ok I've been with a few girlfriends some definitely much better than others. Also one long term bf and other dates. With every girlfriend with the exception of one they were very very sexual I think my best gf was the one where was able to be with love wise cuddle hold hands.   The solid bf I had could be the same but not quite as gentle at times. Anytime I had been out with a guy they have wanted more....

   I have two sides two my record even more and more the longer covid goes on. I haven't been with anyone since the start of covid as a matter of fact haven't thought of dating. Thought of different situations if it could happen. But not actually dating. I've lost well maybe not lost but it has been really low in my mind.  I haven't been thinking about sex or an actual sexual partner. However I have been looking at nips hugging holding hands cuddle time with people. The longer I have been trapped so to speak the more I feel the ASEXUAL Demi side the "introvert" side so to speak as well as my Bisexual side the "extrovert". I've learned a more romantic side in things. Especially talking to people there a connection coming through because I'm learning how to use the introvert side with my extrovert. 

  🌈 I will actually start off with Christians to start this entry. So many Christian people put themselves on a huge high pedestal, especially when it comes to talking about LGBTQ community. They seem too place themselves above the LGBTQ community thinking in everyday that they are superior and better. This is actually something that I experienced from a few friends first hand, it was rather a shocking experience. It's something that really throws you for a loop.  Because so many of Christians see what they believe has to be correct gay, trans, bi, pan and the rest of the LGBTQ community don't have a place. It's very frustrating for some in the gay community as they want to go to church and feel as welcome as anybody. However not all but many put a barrier up.  Now I'm going to refer to children from something that appeared on Facebook.   In the states somebody had a VW car painted in pride colors and there house painted the same, of course flying the flag. The...

  🏳️‍🌈 Promise: This word definitely applies to me when it comes to the word pride. Many years ago even before I started coming out to everyone I had made a double sided inner Promise to myself. Either I was going to come out to everyone or I was going toivr my life as a bisexual. However not using the actual term I'll explain  I was going to live my life as hey your attractive weather it was a guy or girl. I know basically the exact same thing I and most people feel comfortable with "labels" so after coming out gay I came out not long after bisexual. As most I know are comfortable with label. I have to admit I feel free and comfortable with saying it.  Reason: So why Reason ok here is a very simple explanation. I've had over the years before coming out, woman say to me how handsome I was/am. It was very flattering won't deny. So I would have them ask me why on earth I would come out. There were a few I asked why are you still straight. It was like when I first ...

 🏳️‍🌈So exactly how does a house feel like a dystopian book you may be asking? Well ok look at all of recent dystopian books and the world's they are written in. Take the Hunger games where they are fighting each other for everything. Or look at The Handmaids Tale where the main character is one who just won't be broken of who she truly is no matter what. My favorite example is 1984 where everybody has no privacy and has to conform like in most dystopian stories but it takes it a bit further in some points.   For much of my life I have felt like I have been living in a dystopian home much of it had to do with my disabilities I live with. A couple of years ago it felt like the house became a bit more dystopian where I was getting stripped down even more. Much like what happened in 1984 and the Handmaids Tale. Then trying to escape like in the hunger games.  Now I haven't been trying to escape the house itself just at times the power inside. It became even harder whe...

 🏳️‍🌈 I'm going to be entering and talking about many people in this entry. They won't be in any Paticular order as many people were instrumental and guides for me. So here we go with a few people. Now before I get to deeply into this entry, yes I have partly talked about certain people who I will mentioning but I thought pride was a perfect place to revisit. Now as I said I'm going a bit out of order.  So now I'll start with the first person who comes to mind. The first person who always pops into my mind when the topic of my coming out or LGBTQ in general is my former teacher Tom Gallagher. The reason I have him pop into my head first is he was a teacher when I was in high-school and I can't even imagine his struggles as a teacher. He was and still is an amazing and strong person for everything through the years.  The next person I'm going to mention is somebody from my college day's. He was somebody everyone avoided kind of put him off to side, it had n...

 🏳️‍🌈 Today started pride month 2021 and in many ways it is an awesome pride month. Yes very true there's not going to be any live in person events no huge parade downtown again but there will be lots of online events. As a matter of fact I've signed up for a few online events already and am looking forward to them. Last year I attended a few and they were pretty good.   The best part of last year was a few of my friends and I had our own pride zoom party. I hope we can do that again this year, that would be awesome plus I know it's not in person but we get to see each other and we get to talk about everything we love or at least talk about pride. We are all adjusting to the new way of life hopefully we can get back to what we were all used to in the past. Happy pride month to all my awesome pride friends that have been with me since the brgining of my journey. Also a happy pride month to all of my friend's who are showing me support all of you are amazing. You truly ...

 🏳️‍🌈 I'm doing this entry to not only separate generations also some religious understanding and beliefs. When I came out to my parents the said "we are glad you were able to come out ". However I haven't been able to fully come out, I at times had to hide it a bit unless I was sitting at home.   Another thing alot of my parents generation from conversations I've had are Bisexual Transgender Non Binary. In my parents eyes and many others I know you either are gay or straight no "in-between" So my parents and many others I know have looked at me with the thought of your masking with bisexuality, you came out gay what happened there?     I look at it and see how the different generations look at things. Today's parents definitely see things in a much different light especially when it comes down to coming out.🏳️‍🌈

🌈  Ever since meeting Jennifer Aubyn and my friend at poker Eileen the three had always suspected something about me. I hadn't known what it was right away when I found out ill tell you I was stunned that they all suspected it. It was a shock especially considering that I didn't view myself in that way, I am glad that the three of them all saw something in me.   All of them gave me the courage in their own ways for me to fully come out. Not to hide it from anybody anymore. I must say ever since I had done that it is like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. As I've said to many people when they asked what it felt like I said it like im being reborn.   I am not writing this to make any excuses or anything, this entry is a thank you especially for Jennifer and Aubyn because although I wasn't there always you always seemed to be ontop of things. When you told me you suspected I wasn't really surprised and you both  helped me with my transition as a ...

🏳️‍🌈  I know this may be hard to read but I think it is something that I really should write. After all I have done a few dedication entries for others this person definitely deserves one. This entry is for my most recent GF and a friend who over the last number of years has been there. Yes I'm not going to deny it we have had our rough times like both any couple and any friend's   She was beyond supportive when I came out, yes it was a blow and it must have been mind blowing but she was and still is extremely supportive. Over time I realized it was time we tried some kind of friendship especially with the times we are living in. Even if for some strange reason it's only verbal but I highly doubt that will be the case.   I'm just glad I can tell her I'm proud that I'm bisexual. I know its alot to absorb and it is still going to take time I'm ready to accept that.   Now moving forward after the ups and downs and her in her own way helping me after I came o...

 🏳️‍🌈 I'm writing this about another person from Durham college who helped me see my true self. This entry was for Michael somebody who in college was often pushed to the side or just ignored. It really is a shame as he is a wonderful man one who offers everything he has no matter what. He also helped me open my eyes or start to fully open my eyes and realize who I was. Eventhough at time there was no way I could fully admit or even see it.   I felt closer to Micheal than anybody at Durham except maybe a couple of people. I knew it was hard for him to be on the outside and could relate for sure. I'm definitely glad I met him and talk to him still or I may never fully have understood how important it was for me to come out 100% . It has freed my mind and I'm very grateful 🙏🏳️‍🌈

🏳️‍🌈   Much of this I wrote about just a few entries ago. However there is a reason for the repeat the two sort of go together.  Recently I had a friend ask me how supportive my family were when I first came out. I had told them and I have to admit I wasn't sure what the reaction was going to be. It was so much better than I could have imagined very supportive and told me how much the respected my decision. Turned out I didn't have all that much to worry about or so I thought.  Over time before covid I had been trying to be my new self, or as I refer to it my true self. I was feeling good like the world had been lifted from me. Especially when my family had "backed me up". Well there have been a few examples where they showed wasn't as true as I thought.   One example was when I traveled with my sister for a weekend and wanted to wear some nice bracelets my friend made me. My mother saw them and said seriously you can't wear those, Kathy that's my sister...

 🏳️‍🌈I am saying thank you to Alex and T both for the same reason. For the longest time my mom and dad had "tolerated" my coming out but never truly accepted it. I talked to my mom about my friend and fellow LGBTQ warrior Alex, and my fellow warrior T. I knew that T had support from his family ftom beginning and that was great to know about. That was actually the major push for me to come out.    As I have written in past it was tolerated buy never accepted. Tonight I talked to my friend Alex and the conversation that Alex had with her father. I asked how it went and was told it went very well. I was so happy that it went well for Alex. I was overjoyed for Alex for sure it was so awesome. It is awesome when I hear about acceptance from family it makes me so happy.   I really have to give the final shoutout T and his mother. So much of everything I heard from T mother gave me that extra push thanks Aubyn T and Alex.🏳️‍🌈

 🏳️‍🌈Awesome: Yes for sure my friend Alex is most definitely an awesome person. The biggest reason Alex is such an awesome person is because of her heart, and her feelings towards everyone. Alex is a person who certainly cares about everyone will talk with you when you have a problem, even if when feeling down herself. It truly makes her incredible.  Loving: Alex is a loving person, has one of the most loving hearts I have seen. Dosent ever get involved in dumb drama things as a matter of fact I remember first meeting Alex at Durham college and Alex didn't fall in or want to fall in with a crowd or a click. Always stood on own but at same time had ability to and made plenty of friends.  But the biggest thing I noticed over almost everybody else I met was her love towards others. Not in an immature way but just so tender and caring for everyone. Sure like anybody could get upset but never held a grudge and if you need somebody would definitely be there for you.  ...

🏳️‍🌈  I have to explain this title by giving a huge shoutout to my friend Alex who did a write up that gave me the inspiration. So many people in society especially people who are not within the LGBTQ community, or those who purposely try and stay away ftom it. They stay away because " it's not their scene". I get that like anything in life if it's not your scence you won't get involved. However when it comes to LGBTQ or anything that hasn't been the everyday norm people can jump all over you.   Stuff like this as I've mentioned happened to me. From my family . As I mentioned all who said they would support me at 1000%. But I was getting attacked the eye rolls the critical comments when I had a ring on or a braclet on.   It feels dad that I feel afraid to be myself in public with my parents. Shouldn't I actually feel the best or safest around them. Especially when they say we love you and totally have our support. So much for that part of family life...

 🏳️‍🌈 This is another entry for my "friend" I talked about a few blogs ago. My friend Andrew, well I guess I can say especially now he was much more than a friend he was an incredible boyfriend. In a very odd and strange way he knew we were meant to date and even knew we were a true couple 💑well before I did. He knew we were meant to be a couple when I was dating one of my ex girlfriends, a girl I never should have dated but insisted everyone was wrong.   Eventhough we didn't date as long as I would have liked to he did show me some special things. We formed an amazing bound that never will be broken no matter what. While I was dating so many girls before him I knew in the back of mind I had to give this amazing guy a chance. As I mentioned before I'm so glad I did as this new world I've been experiencing is amazing and I love him for helping me see it. It may have taken many years but I see it.  Well many years to fully see it as I think after we first met I k...