Newlytravels

   This is a bit of an extension of my entry from yesterday. How I found my greyside besides seeing videos and reading all about it. I have to say while reading it was very helpful and eye opening to me. I'll explain how in a bit more detail.    Yes I have been on my share of dates over my 51 years I never felt truly comfrerable with the majority except the ones. Like I really felt special things. I thought that one past GF was going to be like that because lot time we watched TV or play cards. Then one time she kissed me right away I was stunned. Then she sat down asked ne don't you ever just wanna well you know. That's when I knew it was starting to end and I really pulled away except cuddling.  Another GF wanted me wait on her hand foot but that's just not me I need a true equal. I needed somebody who wasn't a control freak. Somebody who would give me breathing room and once again not need just that 1 thing. It seemned for a while that's what I was walking in...

   I did an entry like this quite a while back. I have since taken it out and am doing a newer version of it. As I've discovered or rediscovered another part of myself. I have discovered or as I phrased rediscovered my greysexual side to myself   I have not dated as a grey for a longtime and what ive discovered wow its a much different feeling and different feelings arise as well. When I have been with others in the past especially one Paticular GF I wasn't and couldn't just be the go for it person. I had two relationships in the past where my partner was that person.   When you don't feel comfortable in a relationship like that you really have a different unusual feeling than if you had been in another relationship. You can go with kissing hugging cuddling for very long time. Then you can have the "special times" a lot less and still feel relaxed. Those special times are truly more special I believe.  

  "Man I Feel Like A Woman" To borrow a line from Canadian country singer Shania Twain this is me and in many ways always knew that it was. From back in high-school being jealous of the clothes up until last 20 years. That's when I started play poker on a regular basis. There were a few girls who played at one game and more at another. At the one game on a Tuesday I always thought I was jealous of one guy but it was the girl I was jealous of. Not because of the guy but I so often said that's the body I belong in or at least the clothes   Then my Thursday and Sunday game I got the same vibe this was more the clothing however on those days. Each time I would imagine what I would loom like. Then of course there is ny biggest supporter my amazing girlfriend. She had some stunning outfits and I knew somehow  that I could pull them off even as a costume.  So I started to come out as non binary and trying on different female clothes. Wow what a feeling of absolutely bl...

  As of last night thanks to watching DR. Z a gender psychologist I enjoy on youtube been listening about genderfluid Non Binary and transgender. For the longest of time I had been saying I was non binary because of feeling comfortable in both clothing. However after a few rewatches of videos and a discussion with my GF after the video and my feelings both inside and outside.  For a long time I have felt effeminate and many friends have pointed out how "feminine" I was or am. It was something I never really saw but I guess we don't see those things in ourselves. Not until they are pointed out, so I am now still keeping the name Quinn however I am now identifying myself as actually transgender not just "socially transgender". I guess the reason I used socially transgender is because I can't get surgery.   After telling myself this l ast night early a.m. it was a great weight. It was something I think I needed to admit ever since coming out just didn't kno...

  Yesterday I was downtown on a date with my girlfriend. I dressed in a few outfits while I was there and I was feeling so awesome. Not only did I feel amazing but I got a bunch of compliments from people after I had changed into different outfits.   The first top was a black one with little sequences and when going back into the main part of the mall a bunch of transgender guys and some girls told me you really look awesome in that top it really does so much for you. I was beyond the moon with that statement I didn't expect it from so many people.   Then when I had my second top on a straight lady came up to me said your so brave. I looked at her quizzically she said you look so fabulous and your very brave I'm guessing your non binary. I said why yes I am I was born AMAB but I know use they/them pronouns. She smiled said keep on being you. 

  In every other relationship I have been in, including other times my current GF and I were together they were either my GF or my partner/BF. We also had terms of endearment that we would like to use with each other. Things like shutterbug, butterfly for a couple of examples. Then yes with everyone dated typical ones like sweetie hun babe.  With this relationship because of my non binary Transgender identity I got the most awesome nickname/term of endearment ever.  Instead of BF or just hun sweetie I am referred to as a Joyfriend. Joyfriend it makes my heart leap and feel so awesome. Because it's such a gender neautral name that can be used with anyone. Going out and hearing this is my Joyfriend makes me smile and gives me a huge great feeling inside. Nicknames really can be amazing for sure. 

  I had heard a few people describe me as a slightly masculine non binary person, and I have also been told I am a non binary trans fem person. I am writing this entry to tie everything and give my perspective on the views. See what everybody's opinion of the subject is.   Over time when I came out slowly to everyone as non binary at first, then non binary Transgender person people who actually not surprised. So I've gone over and talked to friends asked them where they would place me spectrum wise. Male non binary Transgender. Then on other option non binary Transgender Fem.   For myself I'm leaning towards Nonbinary transgender 55/45 fem with feelings. Many people I have approached without me telling them my feelings and thoughts. The majority have said to me Quinn we definitely have seen a bit of larger fem side. They would also tell me they had seen it from day one of meeting me. It was definitely interesting to find this out. Thanks to everyone for your opi...

  I just recently started looking to see if Quinn was the name the was "fully me". Don't get me wrong I absolutely love Quinn and it's so fabulous and euphoric for sure. However I had been sort  of searching for something thar went with it or a new one. I have actually wound up doing that.  The name is Onyx and it will be looking like this  Onyx-Quinn Bezer. Because both names are in the name I will accept both Onyx or Quinn. Because of coming out to everyone as Quinn. I of course will also accept and really appreciate all of my pronouns. The pronouns of They/Them abd depending where I am and who I'm with her/she. So I have a trilogy that can be used Onyx Quinn my pronouns.

  For a very long time I have felt very large feminine feelings and even some feminine or more feminine traits as I had been told. And I'm really seeing more and more everyday, well not everyday my poker days or my days I'm out with friends. I am so joyful and relaxed I don't mind showing my feminine side. I think that's why I was able to admit say Quinn your life is getting better everyday especially when I dress also and feel comfrerable expressing on dates.  I'm really glad that my GF is a huge supporter of mine and the LGBTQ community. She really has helped me from phase one when I first came out up until today. It's great to have her support today along with everyone else's I get because saying stuff and being me is so much easier and natural. Even not always being "The Guy" when we go out.   As I said before just because I can't medically transition it dosent mean I can't socially transition. Discovering this has really put me in a wo...

This blog was inspired by DR Z PHD a gender therapist who i follow on youtube and Facebook. I'm in what you might call a slow non full transition  So what do I mean by this? Ok I know that I will never be able to have the surgery but for most of my life I've had a deep feminine feeling. Without myself even knowing it I have actually even been showing it over the years.   Once I was made aware that I was showing it, I have to say it was amazing. Such a feeling of euphoria especially when I can wear my feminine clothes.  These things are my blouses my dresses a few tops I have.Oh the bliss and joy I have been feeling. I actually have been looking into a different name I'll keep you updated.

 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ I wrote an extremely similar blog way back in April of this year. However over the past month or bit more I'd say I had to revisit it. It wasn't an easy revisit especially after losing one of my support people but I have gained and still have everyone else supporting me and its incredible.   The entry I am talking about is using pronouns other than they/them or thier. Over the last month or bit more I've been feeling more and more in touch with my fem side. I know what everyone is thinking yes we all have the feelings of masculinity and feminine no matter what assinged sex we are. However lately it has been a little different for me. So I'll explain that part of everything now.  In the beginning of my coming out as non binary it was perfect I knew I could release what had been hidden for so long. Then I started seeing woman on dates or while I was out and wanting to be more like the lady in every way. Some of the areas were mannerisms, body style type, ...

 This entry ties into another I did, that was actually just two before this I've been feeling a ton of major dysphoria lately.   I've been feeling it in two aspects in particular. Socially and physically have been my biggest one's. Even if I wanted to fully transition I know I couldn't because of cost that would face me. Also my living situation and being at home with my mother and father.  About my dysphoria it actually really hit back in my early high school days. It was when I saw all the pretty girls what they were doing and thier outfits they would wear. I even liked the uniform because was a kilt, but Friday's and special days I really liked because they were non uniform days. So everyone could dress casual, when I saw those outfits I got a different feeling thinking I'd look fabulous in that I  should be in those outfits.   I repressed all the issues because of parents other family and certain friends. Now we'll over last few years they really s...

  Yesterday I had a wonderful date in Toronto with Jennifer. It was a great day for many reasons we had great weather it was nice to be outside. But the best reason was we got to go into the village and fo a couple special things.   One of things we got to do was make to a cookie place I love. Craig's cookies all of their cookies are homemade in the store and so very rich. The other special thing we got to do was an early birthday gift. Jennifer got us a matching set of pride rings and they look great. Another great thing was that was our first date in the city since getting back together and it really was very new wonderful and special   I can't wait for our next date because I want to be able to get more pictures of us as a couple. It's always great when we are able to get a few pictures together.

 As I look at a couple of people I know and hear the stories that I have heard plus seen the videos I've seen I'm feeling a different pull. I'm feeling a pull to the Transgender umbrella identity. I sent a video I had watched out to about a dozen people and 10 of them told me Quinn that is how I saw you when we met. The funny thing was I wasn't as shocked or as upset about hearing people thought I was Transgender or non binary but most used the label Transgender as when I initially came out. Then I heard from virtually everyone yes we always knew we're just waiting for you.   This has actually something I have been burying deep deep down in my life. I would say I really have had it down  into high-school when I had my non binary feelings. But I didn't have the wording language or the terms.  I put myself under the Transgender umbrella because I feel it and have felt it for so long. It's just that I can't actually physically do the transition but in so ma...

   Being at the very least non binary person dating a CIS person I wasn't sure that would happen again.  It really surprised me when I began dating Jennifer again, I'm not saying there is anything bad. Actually indeed  everything has been going like on ice so smooth and a perfect glide.  We've had a few nice at home dates and have brought us together. Simple watching tv listening to music. We get to hug and cuddle and it brings and has brought us closer together. Especially because we don't live super close. Well we do but because neither of us drive it sort long distance.  So no matter the time we get together it's nice and special.   It gets really fun when we go out, especially when I can take my turns dressing up. Plus when I'm out with my CIS GF we can do things in both area's. What do I mean by this either we spend time where pretty much everyone would or we can ho to LGBTQ district's. So both sides get covered.

  This entry has a big tie in to my last entry I made. After a few nice times together and very good excellent conversations Jennifer, some of the best I think we've had. They all have been level and calm not like out past that is the past.  With us starting new letting people know but also not letting the world know at same time. Yes they had a talk with Jennifer and agreed it   We have talked about me being part of the LGBTQ community and Jennifer being CIS. Not just Bisexual on my end but Non Binary however I don't believe my mom and dad or at least my dad will ever see beyond gay. So dating any girl will seem strange to at least my dad.  So now we are seeing who each other truly are. Especially with me being part of LGBTQ community and Jennifer being CIS. I think both of us knewbefore I actually came out I was and that could have been part what hurt everything . That and the part I mentioned in the earlier blog, how we were both toxic but in different ways. ...

  Last night was a long night, not a long night in a bad way but enlightening way. I had been talking with my friend Jennifer about all the toxins we had in our relationships. I think I realized in the first time. Well I guess all of them and after watching some stuff I really realized that we both had toxic actions.   Last night in what I watched I even saw the toxic triggers I was using and it was very enlightening like in a way of revelation. It was very opening for me and now I see fully both the toxic traits we had .  

  I have been thinking about this for quite a while now. It all has to do with me being a non binary person. When I first came out as non binary it was awesome and amazing it was such a lovely feeling. Then suddenly I was getting attacked and it was stomach turning for me. Nights where I would just stay up feeling stressed.  The worst part was that nobody in my family would accept me as Quinn. Everyday I'm hearing on purpose my birthname only person I can accept is my father because of everything he has gone through. But my mother my sister brother in law or any of there kids still use my birth name.  Having people outside the family is just as bad for being a non binary person and it can be mental meltdown sometimes. Especially when people purposely refuse to use my pronouns and purposely call me sir he him.

  Yes I was AMAB at birth but since coming out freeing myself as a Nonbinary individual and becoming Quinn. I have more and more I was feeling my feminine feelings and showing it to different people.   Now yes I still have my masculine side to me. That side is especially at home or when I see other family friends. Another time I notice this is yes certain parts of my birth self obviously is still there and I'm not totally  comfortable using it but I can. It's mostly for my dad.   Another part of my feminine self is at times when I'm out in public I've begun to notice it more. This many many times is just my mannerisms that I show.  Other times I will all out show my fem side in public by getting pictures taken and pictures at my EX GF house and escaping into my prefered life. Using my own pronouns chosen name when I can. I don't think there is any one way to do things right. No one line everyone has to or should follow. 

  Tonight I was approached with a similar question from another friend. I was asked about my recent picture in my Quinn album where I have a skirt on showing my more feminine side of Quinn. I was asked if I was or thinking of transitioning fully female? As I have mentioned no I wouldn't transition not now however I think I mentioned there was a time that I would have.   I had always felt a large feminine side to myself and I always wondered what I would have looked like in girlfriends clothing and my friends who are ladies. Where did I first start this feeling? It was actually split between the end of high-school and one trip I took to Nova Scotia with family. One day I was in jeans a t shirt and a button shirt. That day I really felt half half massculine and feminine in my wear. After this things kinda of both snowballed and stalled, I'll explain that.  I started thinking look how amazing she look and I know I could look the same. Then in high-school because of cath...

  This blog is going out to a very special CIS person in my life. Somebody who has been in my life for a long time and has been there through many good and bad times in my life for sure. The person I'm talking about is a person I had a relationship with in the past and it did have its ups and downs but this person never failed in the end to be there.  I am talking about my former girlfriend Jennifer and yes even with the turmoil we faced I have to be honest I don't know where I would be today with her. As a matter of fact as I've mentioned before she was indirectly the reason I truly found Quinn and was able to come out to my parent's. Along with the help of some other friends.  Right now we are in a great place with each other.  Able to cuddle hold hands small kisses but not take things to far. I find that where we are compliments each other. It's a see what happens game not a rush game for sure. Who knows we may just be awesome buddies and I'd be happy as long...

  A while back I was asked by one of my good friends what the deal with all my pics were. I asked him what I meant as this was before my other account was hacked and I had many more pictures up on Facebook. I'm still working on getting some up. But back to the point this question pertained to my "Quinn album" and no other. So I asked them what exactly they meant and this way thier response.   I realize that you came out and even changed your name and that is cool. Lots of people change names and everything when they come out without doing what you did are doing. So I asked exactly what my friend meant by this they told me all the pics in blouses the one in the long dress like are you trying to prove something. It was a bit of a sting.  So I simply said no actually I'm letting my true self come through the person  I was always meant to be. I got a nice apology for what was said and they did feel bad for asking the way they did.   So why this entry now w...

 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ It took me a while to decide what site I was going to put this one in as it is effecting me both with my seizure side and my Non Binary prefered name side. I decided finally to enter it here as in the end really applies more to this blog. Especially with the certain situations and places the name dysphoria can and has kicked in. It really has kicked in at home as all of family absolutely refuses to acknowledge me as Quinn and I'm still referred to by my birthname this I have noticed every so often is a trigger for a seizure. Or at least a trigger where I need to destress.   Another place I found it effecting me and in this area a fair bit I have to admit is my fault. This happens at poker especially on a Sunday afternoon I finding it more percentage if you take the size of the crowds. It's strange before I came out as Quinn I never minded going by my last name. But I guess because my new name has turned me into a new person, more free person. Or should I say...

 For anybody who know me they all know I was born CIS male or AMAB. Now I have to admit for a good bulk of my life I did feel "ok" not perfect but ok as my assigned gender. I remember in my early teen years I was doing guy things. Well because hey David that's what was expected of you . At the time I didn't think anything else.  I found myself in a puzzle with some pieces missing from my puzzle so naturally I continued on as David and my assigned gender not only to my family but everyone else. So slowly the pieces started dropping into where they fit. The started fitting more when I began talking to a former teacher, a best friend of mine, and a friend from camp who has a transgender son.  With all the puzzle pieces I have found that I found my true self as a non binary Transgender and not the cis male I had to be. I also found out something else that I had heard from more than one person that I had a noticeable feminine side to me. It was something I didn't reali...

  For the longest time I have either been going by my preferred chosen name of Quinn, or my pronouns They/Them/Thier. I will still be using these pronouns nothing has changed in that area. The only thing that has changed and I'm betting with both schock people and they will have a hard time getting used to are pronouns I'm adding. She/Her. I know of course I will 9/10 times still be using  He/Him especially with my appearance, even in my feminine clothing i have my masculine appearance but feel feminine. And that's why I've been waiting so long to write this entry.  Before I move on to why I will be misgendered another bit of background relati1ng specifically for this entry. As I've written in other blogs about not only feeling non binary but also transgender. Especially feeling extremely free and on cloud nine when I'm wearing my feminine clothes. Now don't get me wrong it's not something I need to do everyday or fo everyday. But it is something that re...

  After watching so many videos and reading so much plus everything on TV these days I've gotten a newer aspect. As everyone knows I first came out as gay and I thought that was going to make me happy and where I belonged. Then I came out as bisexual that gave me a bit of more who I was at the time. Well I thought it would for sure. Then I came out as non binary cganged my name to Quinn. And that was truly a great feeling of euphoria such a cloud nine.  Recently I had been watching videos about Transgender people and I saw that there was so much more to it. It wasn't just going from male to female or vice-versa on the outside. You could transition on the outside but keep the masculinity or femininity you had beforehand. This absolutely blew my mind in some ways and in others it made sense like ok I always thought of transgender just switching sexes becoming male or female not thinking non binary is also transition just a different way.  So I have dated girls as has been m...

🏳️‍🌈With today being Transgender Day Of Visibility I thought it would be a good time to do this entry. Both Transgender and Non Binary have really been playing a huge part in my life for a very long time, as I believe I've mentioned before probably going back to my middle high-school days. So from 15 til I fully came out the at age 47 going on 48.    I really always knew about this as I have mentioned other times. Well not always but since as said 15 or 16, and as people know I had a tricky time up until really my mid 40s.    First off going to catholic school all my life and up until my late 20s I had a deep belief in the Bible God devil heaven and hell. Secondly I have a huge Christian family with total belief with nuns and a priest in the family. So that made things tricky for me.   So how else did I know or at least think I fit into the Transgender Non Binary category. Ok to start off with until ten years ago I had never heard the term Non Binary before. O...

  🏳️‍🌈Today is international Transgender day of visibility. A day over the last couple of years that has really taken a place in my heart. Not only do I know a few people who are transgender personally two very good friends of mine both of thier sons are transgender. Kerry her son Nathan and Aubyn her son Taegyn. Eventhough never having met either I feel close to both Nathan and Taegyn.   I'm very glad for having known both thier mothers for eventually both of them showed me hiding the real me was hurting me physically emotionally and mentally. So it was easier for me to come out. Eventhough my eventhough they say they aren't seem to be towards me homophobic family says they were going to accept me, I got a backhand.  So lately everytime I go into Toronto I'm able to put an outfit on that makes me feel as free as the wind. It might be jeans and t shirt like any guy or a nice blouse skirt or a blouse and jeans. Sometimes I've even done a dress and it's a feeling of...

 🏳️‍🌈 For those of you familiar with and watch the show Law And Order SVU you will understand this. For those that don't you will catch on with my coming out. Especially the latest part of my coming, definitely the part that has made me feel the most free ever since I can't remember when.   Last night I visited my friend Jennifer and we talked for bit, she took some nice new pics in newer "Quinn" outfits that I picked up. During the evening a rerun of SVU came and we decided to watch it as we both enjoy the show.  The episode was about a 15 year boy making transition in a girl. She was being teased on a bridge because of way she was dressed. That's not the part I relate with or at least not directly. As I am not doing a full transition but I do have a free feeling when I'm dressed in my Quinn clothing more relaxed.  I really relate as I feel like my family are like the kids who were picking on the girl in the show. Also as I've mentioned before I feel ve...

🏳️‍🌈   There are two different types families and this is especially true in a few of my straight friends and so many of my friends in the LGBTQ community. In my family I feel we are very distant in many ways, the biggest way of course was when I became Quinn discovered who I truly was. I always have felt isolated from my family but especially on this issue. And it was very hurtful as when I first came out I did come out as "gay" but they accepted it. As a matter of fact my parents one of their best friends is a transgender male and have many times told me they have no problem with his decision.     Now I have my other family my non blood family who is incredibly supportive of my coming out. Very supportive of of both when I initially came out and when I came out as Quinn my preferred name the name I love hearing and seeing every time that I do. Some of the amazing non blood family members are people that have been in my life for a long time and have all helped me ...